saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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