Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
