Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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