remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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