Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
