I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
