does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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