Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
