I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
