The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
