I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
