Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
