You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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