i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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