I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My ass is underappreciated
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
