I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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