Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
