Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
