Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
