I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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