did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
