He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
