even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
