It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
