someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
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Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.