Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.