when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's never too late to be topless.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Vodka?
Forever.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
