Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
