too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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