There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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