I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
