She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
