She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
