You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
