I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
