i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
