i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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