Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
