I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
two words...techno handjob
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
