If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
