i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
