I cannot find my penis.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
my liver is dry heaving
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
