Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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