I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
