The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
