That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
