At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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