good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
