**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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