Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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