Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
