Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
